Tornadoes

I have a terrible personality flaw. I’m pretty patient most of the time. I breathe in and out and manage to control myself… until I don’t… and then I just SNAP.

I know my trigger. It’s always the same thing… MESS. CLUTTER. CRAP.

The scene usually goes something like this:

I’m getting the girls ready for bed. Checking off the list. “Are you done with your homework? Did you brush your teeth? Did you get your bag ready for tomorrow?” I’m tired. A little impatient. It’s been a long day and I’m ready for some silence. I want to close my eyes.

And then it happens. My eye catches a glimpse of something in the corner. Something that definitely DOES NOT belong there. (i.e. the suitcase I asked my daughter to empty a week ago when we got back from a trip, or the clothes my oldest daughter left bundled up in the corner of the bathroom even though I’ve told her a million times to PLEASE just toss it in the hamper.)

I can feel my blood starting to boil. “Andie, you left your clothes in the bathroom… AGAIN” “Oh! Sorry!” she replies quickly. Ella, can you please empty the suitcase like I asked you to 2 days ago?” She turns, annoyed, and mumbles under her breath. That does it.

“Seriously?! You’re annoyed because I just told you to do something that should have been done a week ago?”

My eyes dart to the rest of the house. “There’s crap EVERYWHERE!!! I don’t want to see any of this in the living room! WHO’S IS THIS? WHO’S IS THIS? WHERE DOES IT GO? I’m slamming doors and cabinets. Throwing things out as I encounter them in my path. I’m getting angrier and angrier by the second.

Nobody else in the house seems to give a crap. No matter how many times I ask them to please help me control the clutter. It’s always the same. They’d rather play, watch TV, do something as a family… they want to use their target gift cards which they received for their birthdays to shop online. “More crap.” I think to myself.

I’m yelling at this point. Totally losing it. “Want to know what your new favorite word is???? IT’S NO! Whatever you ask me, the answer is NO!!! You girls are so SPOILED! You don’t understand that everything is a PRIVILEDGE! You have to earn things. By helping. By doing your chores. By studying. By reading.”

My daughters are crying at this point. My husband enters the room to console them. My middle child can barely speak. She’s crying inconsolably. “It’s just… that mom… is like… a… Tornado. She just… starts yelling… out… of nowhere… and says hurtful things.”

I feel like crap now. Why can’t I control myself? If only I could just ignore the mess. I need more mindfulness. I remind myself that I’m a work in progress doing the best I can each day. Compassion. Forgiveness for myself and my daughters. Tomorrow I’ll get another chance. Another test. I hope I can ace that one.